Fans of the English Premier League take a new approach to the beautiful game, as yet another season ends

Football fans are beginning to admit to themselves that all this football is ultimately a whole load of shit, reports say.

Supporters of the top four most powerful English sides have finally come round to what the rest of the country is thinking, after yet another season comes to an end and another looms large on the horizon.

Chelsea fan, Derek Greggs told us, “I mean, its all meaningless isn’t it? I spend nine months of the year straining under the anxiety of wanting my team to win their next game. Week after week. It’s exhausting. I wouldn’t mind, but when Chelsea win something, its the players that get the glory, not me. I have to go back to the office and fight with the printer like usual.”

Manchester United fan, Sally Gallagher agreed, “United spent nearly two decades at the top, evening winning the Treble at one point. Now, whenever I mention it, people keep telling me to stop living in the past. So what’s the point? Why bother winning anything if you can’t bask in the memory of it?”

Football expert, Dr Afzal Hamid explained that football, like all annual sports, exists on an infinite plane upon which all glory and despair are lost into insignificance.

“Football is a never-ending continuum. It’s a drama upon which people hinge their own, personal emotions. Nobody really remembers most of it – only the big games. But even those are lost in time. Who really remembers the game between Liverpool and Everton at Anfield in 1995 without Googling it? Bloody no one – that’s who. So why get excited about it?”

“Whoever are champions this year can be happy about it, but its not a finish line. There are no finish lines. In August it all starts again from the beginning, and by this time next year no one will give a shit about who currently holds the title. It never fucking ends.”

“Besides,” he added, “its just a big game of monopoly now isn’t it? Just pour a couple billion quid into a club and you’ve got instant success…. Bloody pointless exercise the whole thing. Makes me want to quit and find a more worthwhile occupation. But then again, there’s shitloads of money to be made so…”

Manchester City supporter, Noel Stockport, didn’t agree: “Pointless? It’s only pointless when City don’t win. Then it doesn’t count and I don’t care.
I vote UKIP cause I hate foreigners. But I’ll accept all the foreign money in the world if it means City win the title. Oil money? Human rights? Couldn’t care less, mate. I’m happy as long as the money keeps pouring in.”

“Besides, its nice to get away from the care worker for a bit.”