A man from Kidderminster who prides himself on “being honest” and “not messing about” has come to the realisation that everyone he’s ever met thinks he’s a complete and utter bell-end.

Mike Creamer came to the realisation this week when his supposed best-friend, Colin from work, failed to organise him a surprise 40th birthday party. When Mike tried to organise the party himself, he was surprised that of the 147 people he knows on Facebook, everyone suddenly had plans that night.

‘I don’t get it,’ he told us. ‘I’m an honest bloke. I’m always straight with people. I don’t fanny around. If I don’t like something, I’ll tell you to your face. That’s clearly the best way to be.’

Colin, 39, told us, ‘Mike’s okay in small doses. But being around him for any length of time is like sucking on an exhaust pipe. He likes to say that he’s “outspoken” but all that really means is that he says whatever shit pops into his head and doesn’t give a fuck about how it sounds.

‘Last week he told me my new house was “small” and that the re-decorating job I’d done looked like I’d hired a load of blind toddlers with fibromyalgia to do it for me.’

Mike’s best friend from school, Jason, agreed. ‘He’ s kind of funny, but laughing only encourages him really. I showed him a story I’d written and wanted to get published and he told me I was clearly having some sort of mid-life crisis and needed to sort my head out.’

‘What a guy.’

Mike told us, ‘I can’t help it if everyone has bos-eyed kids, older relatives on their last legs and stupid little ambitions. Empathy? What’s that? Consideration? No thank you. Life is sweet. I’ve got my head firmly up my own arse, thank you very much. I don’t need any of that claptrap.’

‘Bloody hippy bollocks.’