Career typist and teller of small, emotionless stories, Angus O’Neil, says he’s not that bothered about promises made by US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo to interfere in the next British General Election.

O’Neil, of the Maily Dail, shrugged, ‘that’s not a story I’m interested in, no. I’d much rather run with the one about heavy rain in Kent, or the new hat the Queen’s bought.’

‘Yes, I’ve written countless articles about how great Brexit is and how it’ll give us some much needed sovereignty so we can sort out all these problems that the EU have caused us. And yes, I’ve also had a go at Russia for trying to meddle in our affairs.’

‘But I don’t think a story about a foreign power bullying our parliamentary system into its own designs is something people are interested in right now. Its not relevant.’

Mike Pompeo recently told a room of people he’d personally intervene in order to prevent the British people electing a Labour Government led by Jeremy Corbyn.

‘Yes but its just talk,’ said O’Neil. ‘And he’s only the Secretary of State, so it’s not really that important.’

Poppy White of the Groandian newspaper concurred with her right-wing counterpart.

‘Yes, its not altogether very significant. I mean, if we had to report every time a foreign power interfered in British politics we’d have the Israeli embassy on the phone every two minutes!

‘Not that there’s anything wrong with that!! For the love of God, don’t print that! Please, it’ll undermine everything we’ve been working towards for years. Please… don’t criticise Israel. Oh my god, I can’t breathe… Get me the Lib Dem manifesto to calm me down…

‘Ah that’s better. Where was I? Oh, yes, Jeremy Corbyn bad.’