Experts discover hidden chest full of Abraham Lincoln’s unhinged private views, all written within a 280-character limit

Historians in the United States have unearthed a wooden chest believed to have belonged to former President Abraham Lincoln, hidden at the back of a secret room in his former home in Springfield, Illinois. They were disappointed to find that the chest contained thousands of tiny scraps of parchment, upon which strange and erratic sentence fragments had been scrawled.

Historian Sue Grant told us, “I couldn’t believe how crazy some of these bits of paper were. It totally undermines any credibility Lincoln had as the ideal statesman President we all know and love. It’s almost as if he was a complete moron.”

One of the parchment’s read: ‘All the losers and haters can say what they want, but I have the highest I.Q. in the universe and they can all go suck a crab.’

Another: ‘The failing Alabama Telegraph continues to pump out FAKE NEWS about my tax ideas. IF they’re not CAREFUL I might send the ARMY to their offices and burn their horses feet off. Sorry…’

A third read: ‘My first act as President will be to free all of the slaves, except for my cook, my gardener and that kid down the road with the cleft lip. I like him. He makes me laugh.’

Grant explained that she was baffled by the views of a man who would go on to become one of the world’s most powerful political figures. “I mean, its just wrong isn’t it. The man was unhinged. Did he have no filter? No common sense? How the hell did he end up the top dog?’

Colleague Ellie Goldblum concurred, “every scrap of paper is another mad rambling of a deeply disturbed, irrational and insecure individual.”

“And for some reason he’s obsessed with Mexicans. He fucking hated Mexicans.”