A man from Oldham has decided he is no longer going to acknowledge recurring feelings of ineptitude and self-loathing as he and his long-term girlfriend go away for two weeks on a Mediterranean beach holiday.
Pete Jenkins, 31, made the declaration whilst looking in the bathroom mirror shortly after the couple went on a boat trip on the second day.
‘I could see my girlfriend, Sarah, getting drawn into Alessandro, the guy who runs the boats,’ he said. ‘He never wears a top and has a bronze colour to his abs that looks good when the water reflects off them. And he has names for all the dolphins that sound funny, but in a sexy kind of way.’
‘Then there was this guy on the beach playing volleyball with his mates. He kept flicking his long hair back and laughing. I suddenly began to feel a dark sensation of inadequacy eating away at my insides. Sarah sat facing him with her sunglasses on and had been staring at him for so long that her Kindle had gone into power-saving mode without her noticing. I bet she thought he was some sort of mysterious, artistic sex-god with the ability to make her orgasm so hard her hair would set on fire.’
‘But then I saw the same guy in the bathroom picking his nose and eating it and I wasn’t that bothered any more. I suddenly realised he was just a man when he went into a cubicle and did a really smelly shit. I bet Sarah doesn’t think about that when she fantasises about him, does she?’
‘From now on I’m determined to walk around the resort with my head held high, proud of my pasty white skin, and awkward social mannerisms.’
Sarah, 29, also commented on the news. ‘Good for Pete. He shouldn’t feel inferior to these sexy guys. They might run their own jet-ski hire company and have eyes of azure blue or warm caramel, but Pete is an IT consultant and has a collection of Ghostbusters memorabilia worth a few hundred quid in his mum’s loft. Plus, I’m locked into a mortgage with him on a terraced house in Oldham so I don’t have a fucking choice anyway.’
Alessandro was full of encouragement for the new era. ‘Ha ha ha. Yes. Let this man feel good about himself. He will need it to buffer his feeling of doom when I get onto hugging terms with his woman by week two. Do I feel like I have been rumbled? Maybe. But as long as cold-blooded English girls never catch me crying to myself at night for living a hollow, narcissistic existence then I’ll keep my image intact. And even if they did, they’d probably just think it was adorable anyway, and dive on me with their legs wide open.’
‘And afterwards Pete and his woman will come to realise that in fact all men are dicks, it’s just that some are better looking at it.’