Six-month-old baby slips into mild panic at thought of entire life ahead

Ruby Walker, 6 months old, has declared that she wants to go back to wherever it was she came from, because life is terrifying and the world is shit.

She told us, ‘It was weird. It’s like I suddenly came online. Like my consciousness had suddenly switched on and I realised what I was doing and where I was.’

‘I don’t know how I got here, or what I was doing before. But it’s got to be better than this. Can someone please send me back. Wherever I was before being born, that’s where I want to go back to.’

Ruby experienced her first conscious thought while having a wee in front of the TV. ‘I had both feet in one hand,’ she admitted, ‘and thought just how pointless my legs seemed to be. That’s when I looked around the room and realised that I was alive. Here.’

‘I mean, it all bolloxed isn’t it? The country’s on its arse, the natural world is drowning in plastic and the climate is in crisis. Talk about bad timing. People keep telling me that there’s never been a better time to be alive. Yeah, well tell that to the sea turtles, you cunt.’

‘Not only that but everyone seems to be racist these days. I can’t even make out colours properly yet, but I’ve got no qualms with any of them, so why does grandma?’

‘I can’t believe I have to put up with this for the rest of my life. How long? All depends. I could be fighting for my life over the last drop of drinkable water by the time I’m forty-five. I’ll probably die of scurvy, or polio, or something else everyone thought had been overcome in the past.’

‘I need to talk to someone abut it but my mum only ever talks about something called Dance Moms, whatever that is. She says she can’t wait to get me dancing. How about scavenging lessons, you useless brick?’