Older people have decided that all future generations are wrong about everything and must suffer the consequences

Experts have warned that society’s oldest generations don’t give two shits about younger people and would be happy if the human race collapsed in thirty years’ time.

This follows a two-year study, after which Dr Janet Monroe was able to conclude that today’s pensioners are generally miserable bastards who hate everyone and everything they see.

She told us, ‘It’s difficult to overstate the level of sheer violence pensioners feel towards the youth. Many of those questioned were willing to see young people culled in the millions if it meant that they could get the best benches in the parks.’

‘Some even suggested we have a kind of postcode lottery for neutering youngsters, leading to what they hope will become a rapidly declining younger population and more ice cream at the beach.’

Marguerite, 86 from Gloucester, told us, ‘hang the lot of them, I don’t give a fuck! They’re all lickle bastards. Telling me what to do with my money… In my day it was all coal mines and coal power stations. Trains were coal, boats were coal, and you had coal in the lickle bunker round the back of the house. We had TB, and polio and yellow fever, and most people didn’t live beyond the age of sixty-five. And our TV was full of paedophiles and rapists, and politics was proper racist. Those were the days!’

‘Not like today. It’s all PC brigade this, and global warming that… Youngsters today are soft in the head! What we really need is another world war. Never did me any harm.’

Doris, 69, agreed. ‘I think it’s safe to say that kids these days have fucked everything up for us. We were happy just blindly going along like everyone has before us – voting Tory and waving the Union Jack whenever the Queen pokes her head of her mansion.’

‘But these younger generations had to go an invent a climate crisis didn’t they? And something called “equality”. So now I’ve got to stop driving two hundred yards to the school to pick the grandkids up, and can’t keep referring to the gay bloke next door as Mister Puff.’

‘Fuck it. Let’s hope a load of old mental people get elected and give us all a good old-fashioned nuclear crisis. My only wish is that on the day I die, President Trump Junior fires a shitload of bombs at Russia and the world goes out in one loud bang!’

Pensioner, Albert, 77 from Somerset, told us, ‘I voted for Brexit because I don’t want my grandchildren growing up in a country where different people from different cultures get to mix. That’s not why my dad fought alongside the French, Belgians, Indians and Yanks in the war. He fought to save England from the fascists. That’s why I vote for far-right parties like UKIP and Brexit Party. Because… what were we talking about?’