Winston Churchill has again been voted the Greatest Briton of all time in a survey of 10,000 people by What? Magazine.

The former Prime Minister, aristocrat, Tory Party MP and car insurance salesman beat the likes of Shakespeare, Brunell, Pankhurst and Uhtred of Bebbenburg to top the list, despite being a miserable old fart who hated women and poor people.

Professor Janet Zeddemore, who carried out the study for the magazine, told us, ‘so everybody continues to forget that Winston Churchill was a bit of a knob, instead choosing to rank him above some of histories greatest playwrights, engineers, social reformers and fictional warriors. Higher than Tolkien, Crick, Babbage or Turing. Higher even than Beckham. It’s madness.’

Pensioner, Lily Crabs, 73 from Essex, told us, ‘Churchill was the bollocks. He is the quintessential British statesman: greedy, scheming, unhealthy, and prone to the odd imperial massacre. I love him.’

Churchill was famously against women’s suffrage, until it suited him, and engineered political problems in Iran, Iraq and Palestine that are still being dealt with today. He referred to Sudanese people as “savages” and allowed 3 million Indians to slowly starve to death by refusing to allow extra food supplies into Bengal. He also loathed Mahatma Gandhi and his peaceful independence movement.

In addition, his machinations in Kenya, South Africa and Ireland leave a lot to be desired, while he openly advocated the use of chemical attacks on the oppressed Kurds: “I am strongly in favour of using poisoned gas against uncivilised tribes…[It] would spread a lively terror.”

‘I’m not bothered by any of that,’ John Pearson, 34 of Burnley, told us. ‘All I know is that Winston Churchill wore a top hat and smoked cigars. That’s proper cool for a fat old bloke like him. And he bombed the fuck out of Germany too so… that’s good innit.’

Professor Zeddemore concluded, ‘The British public’s fondness for Churchill seems to depend solely on his role in uniting the country against the threat of Hitler – a job anyone with half a brain could have done under the circumstances.’

‘And people forget that he wasn’t even very well liked during his career. It took him two elections win the seat in Oldham… Oldham for fuckssake… and after the war people couldn’t wait to kick him out of Number 10.’

‘I think it says a lot about the country today, really. British people just seem to like getting butt-fucked by the wealthy, waving the Union Jack while their doing it. It’s part of their DNA.’