Better to burn out than fade away, says 5-year-old Mason Greggs

Parents of a 5-year-old from Luton have admitted that they are already losing him after a spate of strange comments and bad behaviour left them dumbfounded.

Mum, Sally, told us, ‘Mason was such a happy little chappy, but recently he’s started having tantrums that go way beyond a kid his age. The other day he kicked the telly over and told us to go fuck ourselves. I mean… that’s not normal. Is it?’

Dad, Paul, admitted, ‘He has this weird look come over him sometimes, like he wants to go out and commit atrocities. The other day I caught him looking out of the window and muttering to himself.’

‘He got into my weed supply too so I had to get rid of it. Now he just sneaks out of the house at night and returns just before sunrise, stinking of cigarettes and gurning like a mad fucker.’

Sally added, ‘He’s started carrying a butter knife around in his pocket too, and keeps talking about “cutting up those Brentford bitches.” I don’t know what to do. The other day I asked him if he wanted a hug and he jammed a gummy bear into my nose. I mean, what’s all that about?!’

Mason responded to reports. ‘Life is short, you know. I’m just gonna go out and do what makes me happy. I’ve got seventy, maybe eighty years of getting wasted ahead of me. Better make the most of it while I can.’

‘And I just love the sight of blood. I can’t wait to get into some proper scraps on a Saturday evening in the town centre. Whether its over the footy, or some bird who’s giving me shit, I’ll smack anyone about. I don’t give a fuck.’

‘How much money you got on you?’